Perfectionism Is Draining You. Here's How To Plug The Leak.

When was the last time you did something,  anything and genuinely thought: that was good enough? Gave yourself a mental pat on the back and well done?

Not perfect, not the best it could possibly be, not slaying.  Just... good enough.

If you're struggling to answer then join the club.

Perfectionism is one of those things that hides in plain sight. It disguises itself as professionalism, ambition, high standards, being a good mother, being a reliable worker, a team player. And because society actively rewards it, most of us never stop to question whether it's actually serving us.

I know you are doing a remarkable (possibly unsustainable)  amount and somehow it still feels like it's not enough. If you are exhausted and running on a hamster wheel that was never designed to stop. And you still question, ‘why can’t I do more/better?’, then this is for you.

So let's get into the meat of perfectionism. What it actually is, how it's leaking your energy, and what to do instead.

In this Article:

• First: You Probably Don't Think You're A Perfectionist
• Why It's So Hard To Quit: Society Keeps Rewarding It
• How To Tell The Difference: Perfectionism vs. Genuine High Standards
• The Real Cost: Where Your Energy Is Actually Going
• What To Do Instead (And No, This Isn't Another Thing To Do Perfectly)
• A Final Note

First: You Probably Don't Think You're A Perfectionist

Here's the thing about perfectionism, it's cunningly good at not looking like perfectionism.

Ask most high-achieving women if they're perfectionists and they'll say no. What they'll say instead is: "I just have really high standards." Or "I'm very professional." Or "I just care about doing things properly. Isn't that a good thing?"

And to be honest, that is hard to argue with. It all sounds completely reasonable.

But there's a difference between high standards and impossible standards. Perfectionism isn't just wanting to do well, it's aiming for a place that doesn't actually exist. It's the internal goalpost that keeps moving. The version of done that never quite arrives. There literally is no end.

It can show up in your work, your home, your parenting, your business, your body, your social media presence, or for many of us all of the above. And it often runs almost entirely on the unconscious. You're not sitting there thinking "I am a perfectionist." You're just living life with a constant tug of ‘not quite right’ running underneath everything. That low level background noise is exhausting and is draining your energy. And it's worth noticing and naming it for what it is.

Why It's So Hard To Quit: Society Keeps Rewarding It

Here's what makes perfectionism particularly sticky: it kinda works. Or at least, it looks like it works.

You get praised for doing things well. You build a reputation for being solid, dependable, reliable. People tell you you're amazing. They hold you up as the example. And on some level that feels really good. Our egos love it. Of course they do, we are human and we want to be seen and valued. It meets something real in us.

So we keep going. We keep overdoing. We keep pouring more energy into the performance of having it all together , usually more than we actually have to give.

This is a completely logical response to a system that rewards perfectionist behaviour especially in women, and especially in mothers. The well behaved kids, the organised house. The always-available, always-capable professional. These things get noticed and praised in ways that are genuinely hard to walk away from (even if we want to).

But what nobody likes to say out loud is that those outward-facing signals have absolutely nothing to do with how well you're actually living, leading, loving, or working. They're the performance of those things. And the performance is costing you dearly in terms of energy, time and being the truest version of yourself.

How To Tell The Difference: Perfectionism vs. Genuine High Standards

So how do you actually know if what you're doing is perfectionism or just being a person of integrity who cares about their work?

What I’ve noticed for me is that it's less about what you're doing and more about how it feels.

Perfectionism tends to feel like doing energy. Fast. Anxious. Forward-moving. There's a kind of urgency to it, a rushing quality. And one of the most telling qualities is that it has an external focus. Underneath the action, the question driving it is: what will people think of me?

People will think I'm a good worker. A good mother. A successful business owner. Someone who has their life together.

Genuine high standards feel different. They're internally driven. The question underneath them is: how do I want to show up here? It comes from personal values, knowing your version of success and not from fear of judgment.

Two questions that could be worth considering right now:

Where are your standards pulling you out of your own life?

Where are you living by standards that were set by other people — or by wider society — that you've never actually chosen for yourself?

You don't have to answer them out loud or have full clarity. But let them sit with you and start to notice. Because there is a meaningful difference between standards that serve you and standards you've simply inherited and never questioned.

The Real Cost: Where Your Energy Is Actually Going

Let's get into the meat and bones about what perfectionism is actually costing you. Because it's not abstract or wishy washy. It has a real concrete impact on how you feel, act and perform every day.

It's the great idea you kept quiet about in the meeting because it wasn't perfectly formed yet. It's that unnecessary course you took. The one where you didn’t actually need the skills, but you thought it would make you look more credible. It's the energy you've poured into getting the house just so, the meals just right, the birthday party that's instagram ready.

It's the creative projects you have long abandoned because they are not ‘good enough’ and the all or nothing mentality you bring to everything from supplements, gym sessions, showing up with friends and your kids college choices!

All of that energy and potential is going somewhere that isn't your actual life. Isn't your actual work. Isn't the relationships and the callings and the things that genuinely matter to you.

This hamster wheel never stops on its own. If you're always planning, controlling, staying ahead and doing you will never get to rest in the good-enoughness of what's already here. There's no finish line. It will never be enough.

That is the energy drain we're talking about here, and it is pluggable.

What To Do Instead (And No, This Isn't Another Thing To Do Perfectly)

Let's be very clear about something: deconditioning from perfectionism is not a project to complete. It's not a goal to hit. It is not something to do perfectly.

The first step is genuinely just this: notice it. Without judgment. With a lot of compassion for the part of you that learned, somewhere along the way, that doing everything right was how you stayed safe, got love and earned your place with your family, school and community.

That part of you was doing her best. And she still is.

But you're allowed to tell her (gently, kindly and even firmly) that you're ready to do things differently now. That you want your energy back. That good enough is actually enough. That you don't need to keep running quite so fast.

You can have high standards. You can be a person of integrity. You can bring your best self  without it tipping over into overdoing, overgiving, and burning through more than you have.

The spectrum is not perfectionist vs. sloppy. There is an enormous amount of ground in between, and you are absolutely allowed to live there.

A Final Note

Perfectionism is insidious because it's slow and quiet and often invisible,  even to ourselves. It infiltrates how we work, how we parent, how we show up in the world. And it does it while wearing the very convincing disguise of virtue.

But underneath all of it, there's a version of you that isn't running on anxiety and external validation. A version that knows what she actually wants, how she actually wants to show up, and what her real standards are not anyone else's.

That version of you doesn't need everything to be perfect. She just needs permission to exist in the wholeness of who she really is.

Consider this that permission.