The Language we use as Mothers, describing what we ‘do’ is Important
Something I have noticed coming up on a regular basis with the women that I work with is the language that they use when talking about themselves, whether that is being at home with their kids, being in a paid work environment or having their own business. I have noticed small pockets of self-deprecating and minimising language to describe what they ‘do’. It’s not a loud voice and not instantly noticeable, but it seeps in casually every now and then. I have supersonic ears when it comes to how people describe themselves because it tells me a story, a story of inner beliefs, an inner unconscious narrative that many of these women have inherited through lifelong messages and conditioning. And a general acceptance that this is just the way things are. It’s also a story I used to inhabit myself (and still do, sporadically). When I left the paid work environment to be at home with my children and somebody asked me what I did, I found it really hard to be fully comfortable with my answer. It’s one of the most common examples I hear:
“I’m just at home with the kids right now”. That word JUST really minimises the work of an unpaid working mother (a phrase I really like by Tiffany Dufu). It sends an apologetic tone to society; sorry for being just at home raising my kids full time, sorry for leaving the workforce, sorry for not putting my college degree to good use, sorry to the women who fought to get us out of the home, sorry for not being enough. Even though we know on a logical level that raising children who are loved and valued is a most important job, we also know that wider society does not value it. Caring is not a job that is important enough to pay fairly. So, despite making a conscious decision to be at home for whatever length of time to be there for our children, be it maternity leave or something more extended, we end up apologising for it in our speech - unbeknownst to ourselves - when describing what we do.
I also notice mothers who are in the paid working environment, particularly those in part-time positions, saying things such as, ‘I have a little job’ or ‘I am working just a few hours a week’. ‘I am just minding kids for a few hours, gives me a few bob’. Again, talking about what they are contributing to society as ‘little’ and not really of value to anyone, somehow not mentioning all the other hours they work in the home when they have left their employer (because only work you get paid for has value??). Other mothers who are working longer hours don’t talk about how excited they are about their career aspirations, as they think it sounds too ambitious, and what would people think: that they don’t do enough for their kids. Working too much or too little, women are constantly censoring and minimising their speech - how bloody exhausting!
Finally are those who have left the PAYE system and set up their own business to create a work-life balance that works for their families. I regularly hear them refer to their business as little or small: ‘I have a little online shop’. I have never in my life heard a male self-employed builder, plumber or tech start-up refer to himself as having a ‘little business’. They either work for themselves or are an entrepreneur. Setting up any business is not easy; working for yourself around the children’s naps, sickness, school runs and other duties is no mean feat. Whether your business revenue is small or not, there is nothing small or little about juggling all of these tasks.
How we speak about ourselves and what we are doing in the world, whether it is paid or unpaid, is important. If it’s what we want to do and is the right decision for our families, then we need to speak about it with confidence and own it. Speaking about ourselves and our roles in society from a place of strength and ownership changes things. It changes how we feel about ourselves, how others feel about motherhood and work, and it changes or creates our children's stories about what is important. How we change culture is by changing how we interact every day, whether that's in our speech, our writing, or our purchases. (Check out Kelly Diels’ writing for more on us all being Culture Makers). If we want women to be valued both in the paid workplace and unpaid work place (Home), then we need to change the narrative about how we speak about it. No more apologies, no more shrinking language.
When someone asks you that question of ‘what do you do’ (which I dislike because we are far more than our jobs, but it’s a very common question), have an answer ready and practice saying it with confidence.
“I’m at home with my kids; it’s going well, thanks for asking” (end of conversation, no just and/or but is required).
or
“I am working in a position and the hours are perfect for me” (in relation to a part-time job).
or
“I have my own business; it’s going great, thanks”.
So today, tune into your language around your parenting and work duties and notice any diminishing words that you may use. Catch yourself every day, multiple times per day and practice your new phrases. In time your new narrative will begin to come more naturally as we let go of the old programming.
